March 12, 2012

I've always been scared of Abah ever since I was a kid. I used to curse a lot but I never thought of doing that every time Abah is around. Abah will easily get mad if the things he's been searching for is nowhere to be seen, and we'll be giggling in silent just to think about it. Out of the 4 of us, I frequently got scold and beaten up b/c I constantly get myself into trouble and that, I always have sentences to put up to fight back just so I look less guilty. So, I have small bruises then and my body was aching like crazy after that, then, I was determine to hold grudges against Abah and will not talk to him for the rest of my life, but then Abah came apologizing and put some ointments on the bruises so that it'll heal and said, you won't get beaten up if you're being all good. Most of the times, I'll forget the thought of having grudges instantly and realize it was my fault all along and I was just being idiotic enough to have been thinking of holding a grudge against Abah.
Meanwhile, I've never been afraid of Mama. She's more like a friend to all of us. Mama used to scold too but then I never got cold shivers running whenever she did. I talk to Mama for lots of things, and she'll always have good advises and responses along then. There was once when I was still in primary school, Mama got all mad and claiming that she's not my mother anymore and that i couldn't call her Mama up until then. I was so upset I don't know what to do, I got hungry and went to the kitchen, and there Mama was, cooking. Then, I stupidly said makcik to her and that I'm hungry and wanting to eat. All I remembered then was Mama forgave me. Then I know Mama will hold it to herself if she's freaking angry about something and will not talk to you for sometimes till she's okay. It's even scarier to think of being ignored by someone's biologically bonded to you than being physically abused,kan? Mama now teaches in suburban area, where telephone calls are not reachable and the electricity is off before midnight, and we live with our grandmother, my father works in Penang, so, we'll eagerly wait for the weekends for Mama to be back for holidays and we'll be happy for the three consecutive days every week.

I know both Mama and Abah loves me. Sapa tak sayang anak betoi tak. It's just me who makes it seems like it's complicated. I was looked after, I was given all the things that I fancy, I just didn't think like a sane person. I let them down. Now, I have to put myself back together to seek back the trust of both Abah and Mama. I must excel in studies, I want them to know that I never take their wishes for granted b/c all along I know they're the one who will be there for me every time, not some asshole who claims that he loves you, but looks down on you, curses you and walk away after knowing you're in problems. Family comes first. :')